First, you learn that waves come in all sizes. It’s one of the reasons why surfers who are floating out past the breakers let a lot of waves pass because they’re not the size that they’re looking for.
The second thing you discover when you’re out on the ocean, particularly if you’re playing along the edge where the waves are coming in-- is that you don’t want to ignore those waves. The minute you turn your back on them, a big one will come in and knock you off your feet.
Third, try as you might, you cannot stop waves. They’re unrelenting, with a life of their own.
The fourth thing about waves is that they come in intervals. There’s no real logic to how often they’ll come. Sometimes you’ll get a series of four or five close together, and then just when you’re wondering if any more are coming, they arrive, larger and even more sporadic.
Finally, you learn that beyond the break point, you can float through the waves. As you float through, there will be a calm… and then another will come along.
Rolling with the waves of grief
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With that analogy as a background, let’s discuss some of the things one can experience when dealing with grief in our lives. Over the years our staff has supported survivors through various aspects of waves in the lives of those who are hit with loss of a loved one through the violent act of another.
The ocean waves are similar to the emotional waves individuals experience when they hear that someone they love was raped, abused, or killed by senseless violence. Many of the individuals we meet on the beach of life have their back to the waves. They have no idea about the monstrous wave that is coming. At the moment people are notified of a violent tragedy, the tsunami pounds them with unstoppable force. The CCF seeks to establish a safe environment for people who share similar heartache; one that is socially safe where they are going to be embraced and encouraged as they work through the initial overwhelming waves of grief. Our seasoned staff supports survivors through their personal waves of grief. They are able to support individuals through some of life’s most extreme emotional responses. RETURN TO TOP |
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No "One Size Fits All"
Often individuals experiencing extreme grief find that their thought process becomes a bit disjointed as they attempt to focus on events, emotions, and consequences. In the midst of those crowding thoughts and feelings, we often observe another wave of grief coming.
There is no real way to anticipate these waves, so having family, friends and law enforcement recognize what’s happening, is key to the grieving process. As supporters we can observe when the emotion is beginning to well up in the individual, as though they’re ready to cry, or something’s clearly affecting them. In those moments we highly recommend that you simply stop whatever is happening, and give them some space to experience that wave of emotion. No matter how intense it may be, the wave will eventually pass.
Sometimes people will be so overwhelmed that they appear to fall out of focus almost to the point where they can’t control anything (i.e. sobbing, shaking, etc.), and then suddenly the emotional wave will reach its peak intensity and die back down until they’re able to reengage with their surroundings and resume their interactions.
We have learned that becoming vital anchor helps them return: “We were talking about how the crime happened,” or “We were talking about who we need to notify next.” This helps them keep their place in the process while allowing them time to cope with their grief.
Over a period of time, these waves will continue to come at different intervals. As these emotional waves come, the best thing you can do is to not try and control them. This approach provides a safe place where you can just let those waves run their course.
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There is no real way to anticipate these waves, so having family, friends and law enforcement recognize what’s happening, is key to the grieving process. As supporters we can observe when the emotion is beginning to well up in the individual, as though they’re ready to cry, or something’s clearly affecting them. In those moments we highly recommend that you simply stop whatever is happening, and give them some space to experience that wave of emotion. No matter how intense it may be, the wave will eventually pass.
Sometimes people will be so overwhelmed that they appear to fall out of focus almost to the point where they can’t control anything (i.e. sobbing, shaking, etc.), and then suddenly the emotional wave will reach its peak intensity and die back down until they’re able to reengage with their surroundings and resume their interactions.
We have learned that becoming vital anchor helps them return: “We were talking about how the crime happened,” or “We were talking about who we need to notify next.” This helps them keep their place in the process while allowing them time to cope with their grief.
Over a period of time, these waves will continue to come at different intervals. As these emotional waves come, the best thing you can do is to not try and control them. This approach provides a safe place where you can just let those waves run their course.
RETURN TO TOP